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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Time:5:09 pm.
oxy has made me lazy, well lazier. no work today. nothing today. i was going to smoke a joint but i dont feel like rolling it, breaking it up, even getting up from this seat unless its to go back to bed.

so im supose to be burning in hell according to him. fucking asshole. seriously. and i keep having dreams of my meeko. i miss her soo much. i just want to lie next to her and pet her. but i guess thats the way life goes, death.

my back is killing me.
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Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

Time:4:03 pm.
bitch bitch bitch, is my mom. fuck her and this fucking family
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006

Time:10:01 pm.
a church is on fire on the news.
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Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

Time:2:57 pm.
i dont have meaningless sex so forgive me for being upset with you for acting like an asshole and just walking out on me. my bad ideas always make me feel like shit in the end. and i guess i call too much. and i care too much. well shit okay. fuck it. i should have learned when i firt tasted his medicine that it was posin. he just wants ass and grass like every other fucking guy out there.

and you know what? i hate sex. i vow to never have sex again. it doesnt even feel good anymore. it feels wrong.

i hate people. i hate people. i hate people. why did i think i could change? why did i think he could change? nobody changes, they just fake it.

and im DONE with faking it. and im DONE with calling you. and im DONE with caring, worrying, any emotion towards you.

can i erase you? it hurts to even think of. but i guess i have too.
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Time:2:57 pm.
i dont have meaningless sex so forgive me for being upset with you for acting like an asshole and just walking out on me. my bad ideas always make me feel like shit in the end. and i guess i call too much. and i care too much. well shit okay. fuck it. i should have learned when i firt tasted his medicine that it was posin. he just wants ass and grass like every other fucking guy out there.

and you know what? i hate sex. i vow to never have sex again. it doesnt even feel good anymore. it feels wrong.

i hate people. i hate people. i hate people. why did i think i could change? why did i think he could change? nobody changes, they just fake it.

and im DONE with faking it. and im DONE with calling you. and im DONE with caring, worrying, any emotion towards you.

can i erase you? it hurts to even think of. but i guess i have too.
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Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

Time:6:08 pm.
i passed a drug test for walgreens so i finally have a JOB. im glad i found something to clean my system.

today i was smoking a joint made of all my roachs, and i had this feeling of being, and it was like a smack in the face, and then the feeling was gone and i looked at my fingers which felt like they were me, then the feeling just drifted away.

i want feel as if i was real.

kshfksh im fucking bored. i guess. i want to watch house really bad. i want some vicodin too.

my cousins g/f gave me this pain killer spray that the hospital gave her after she had her baby, for the tearing down there, and she never used it, so she gave it to me for my foot. dude, i stood in front of my mirror and sprayed that shit all over my body. it was the craziest feeling ever, just fucking crazy. nothing mental, all physical. something i am so not used too.
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Monday, July 17th, 2006

Time:3:23 pm.
summer is annoying, winter is annoying. its to hot to swim. the pool water is over 90 degrees, which is not refreshing at all. i have this peice of glass stuck in my foot and i cant get it out. it hurts. im not talking to my mother because she is awful and mean and dosent have any compassion for anyone. just ask my dad, she hasnt told him she has loved him for 10 years. im so fucking thankful im not like her, just as she is thankful she is not like me.

i hate not beikng comfortable in my own skin. and its time to get a new journal. one where i can rant about my weight gain and my bulmina and no thave to worry about these people reading it.
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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

Time:5:31 pm.
i dont why i let him get to me. apparently nothing fazes him. he has no conscience. and of course he has to be the first man i have ever loved. as if my fucking brain wasnt fucked up enough lets deal with this asshole.

we should have cut off all ties when we broke up. we should of not had sex whenever we felt like it. i should have never loved him the way i did. now everyday my heart breaks a little more. and i cant avoid him because hes always there. he turned into one of the worst best friends i have ever had. and it kills me inside. knowing im not worthy of any love. knowing his actions and words have such an effect on me. knowing this feeling in the pit of my stomach is because of him and everyday theres another tear and another horrid dream of what was and what could be. and him loving someone else. whats so wrong with me? why does everyone refuse to love me?

fuck love. i wish i could go back 2, 3 years when i was my own person who couldnt let anyone touch me.

now im just like you.
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Sunday, May 28th, 2006

Time:11:01 pm.
hm. im chewing on my cheek because it feels cool. and when i stop chewing it, it throbes like it wants to be biten.

so the jenny lewis cd is cool. and im really fat. i wanted to go swimming and all of my bathing suits from last year totally dont fit, then i find the ones from 2 years ago that didnt fit last year, and i looked in my closet and every one of my favorite clothes are in piles in 4 hampers because they dont fit.

but i really like drinking whiskey and eating cheese and pickle sandwitches

i watched monkey trouble today when i was babysitting my neice addy. then i watched mean girls. and i talked to jay on the phone and fought and he called me a niger which is funny because he is mixed and then accused me of being racist which is rather funny considering half of my family is mixed, and as of lately the only guys i fuck around with are mixed or black.

jay is a really big asshole. huge asshole. but i still miss him and have sex dreams about him and wake up so sad because he isnt really laying next to me. i remember the last time he slept over when we were together he was sleeping and i got my breathing in the complete same pace as his. when i woke up i relized i was still breathing at his pace and it was really weird. i never told him, i think we broke up a week after that.

im thinking nothing i felt was even real.if it was real it wouldnt of ended. and i hate him just as much as i love him.

both of my dogs have cancer. my sisters pregnant with my 5th neice/nephew. and im turning 21. time has go to slow down. what can i look forward to when ive already done my first line and fucked my first fuck.

death?

a new jenny lewis cd? because of fucking course theres no more elliott smith.

in all honesty music is dull and i want to smoke a blunt.
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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

Time:1:17 pm.
time is flying by.

my mom tells me to do things with my time that will benefit the time i spend here.

i told her time is the enemy. besides, im always breathing.

i really hate guys. i keep having this dream of the guy i had a huge crush on sophmore year, like5 years ago. it weird. it wont go away.


GOOOO AWAY GUYS ARE ASSHOLE. WOMEN ARE BITCHES. i hate em all
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Friday, April 7th, 2006

Time:9:29 pm.
today i was driving down a street .. and a bird came out of no where and smashed into my windsheild.

blood and guts and feathers.

it scared me. then i relized thats how life goes, and thats how life ends. i worry so much about nonsense. and i do stupid things. and everything would just be peachy keen if i had a joint to calm me. i slept way to much during the day today. il be okay with time
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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

Time:11:03 am.
oh golly.

i dont feel to good. i have been sleeping alot lately. i dont have much ambition to live, but shit im here.

my labret post is missing a ball. so maybe ill swallow choke and die on it when i go back to sleep.

hmmm perhaps.

okay and i wouldnt mind killing some people. getting fucked up on coke and pills, and some 100 proof whiskey and just go crazy.

CRAAAZZZY. im already there, but im here inside my head and no one is allowed not even me. i have to fight with myseld every fucking day to get out, i do sometimes. but i always come back.
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Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

Time:2:19 pm.
long time, no post. myspace is kinda taking over.

life is okay. im single, not pregnant, and i have an XBOX hellz yeah. only until lindsay comes home but still i get to play it and smoke some mary jane which is alright with me.

school is going kinda badly. im way behind and i only have 3 classes. i just dont like school, why should college be any different. i gotta pass tho or my mom will kill me. oh man i need a job. really bad.

i need some sex too.
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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Time:3:49 pm.
i hate jay. i hate jay. i hate jay.


i have never been this hurt in my life.
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Monday, January 2nd, 2006

Subject:another year ...
Time:12:42 pm.
In 2005 I
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[X ] snuck out
[ ] got arrested
[X] kissed in the rain
[X ] kissed in a pool
[X] kissed under the stars
[X] smoked weed
[X] got wasted
[x] went to a party
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[x] fell in love
[x] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preferance
[ ] swam in the lake
[X ] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[] went snowboaring
[] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2 pm
[x] held someones hand that you care about
[x] had a fling or relationship with someone
[X] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in mexico
[x] told someone you liked them as more than a friend
[x] took pictures
[] go on vacation
[] go on vacation with a friend
[X] driven a car
[X ] skinny dipped
[X] played strip poker
[X] showed someone something where the sun doesn't shine
[x] gone to a movie theater
[] danced in the rain
[ X] got in a car accident
[x] see someone get in a car accident
[] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] laughed until you cried
[ ] peed your pants from laughing
[X] had an amazing year
[] are going to look back with no regrets
[x] broke a promise
[X ] made a new best friend
[x] done something you swore never to do
[x] lied
[x] stole
[x] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] dissapointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] the cops came
[X ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[X ] forgot your new years resolution
[X ] met someone who changed your life
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ X] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[] almost died
[x] given up something important to you
[x] lost something that meant a lot to you
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] made a total fool of yourself
[] met great people
[ ] cheated on someone
[ X] had sex
[] watched a marathon on t.v. all day



****

new years was good, great. would have been better with more blunts .. but hey whatever. i never did so much coke in my life though. all in all great night. with great people.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005

Time:2:53 pm.
life, or something like it, here we go again attepmting to sing a song on a river bend fuck this nonsense and take my soul. when and where a life begibns where and when a love dies out we sing nothing but whispers
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Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

Time:12:31 pm.
"take a look at me now, theres just an empty space, theres nothing left here to remind me just the memory of your face


take a look at me now

you coming back to me is against all odds, well thats a chance i have to take"

take a look at me now
take a look at me now
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Friday, October 7th, 2005

Time:12:34 am.
changes, changes, thats what i need. so im going to school, maybe for photography. i miss jay, but im sure its better we're not together anymore. maybe its just the company i miss, i hope so at least.

im really not sure what the fuck im doing. i figure if i pretend long enough maybe it'll come true.

so, thats why im going to school to be a socail worker.

or a journalist

or i hear heating and cooling makes some money.

fuck.

shoot me. or

let a rich man fall in love with me, and take care of me, so when i finally decide to leave, everyone will be thrilled with the life i had.

you know, like no losers, because i guess they are so fucking horriable.


but i love losers. im a loser baby, so why dont you kill me.
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Saturday, September 17th, 2005

Time:11:33 am.
i like to smoke blunts and take morphine.

i get my house all to myself sept 22 for week


party
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Saturday, September 10th, 2005

Time:3:56 pm.
if someone really cared about you .. could they just walk away when you have a tear rolling down your cheek, when you voice starts to quiver? is this man edit:boy worth anything at all. he takes me on a date and complains about being out with me past dark. when he has sex with me, i cant feel anything. is it natural to cry afterwards? why do i do this to myself.

this isnt right. it cant be right. i wish i could tell myself i deserve better. but who the fuck knows. he was so caring in the beggining. now i feel used. and lonely.

i dont know what to do.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know what to do...
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LiveJournal for loneliness is the human condition.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.