?

Log in

everything i am is an illusion

Name:
loneliness is the human condition
Birthdate:
13 December
Location:
this could be about me.

by charles bukowski:

Where Was I?

I didnt know where i cam
from or where i was
going.
I was lost.
I used to sit
in strange doorways
for hours,
not thinking
not moving
until i was asked
to move.

I dont mean that i was an
idiot or a
fool.
what i mean is that
i was
unintersted

I didnt care if you intened
to kill me.
I wouldnt stop you.

I was living an existence that
meant nothing to
me.

I found places to stay.
small rented rooms. bars. jails
sleep and indifference seemed
the only
possibilities.
all else seemed
nonsense.

once i sat all night long and looked
out at the mississippi river.
I dont know why.
the river ran by and
all i remember is that it
stank.

I always seemed to be
on a cross-country
bus
traveling
somewhere.
looking out a dirty
window at
nothing at
all.

I always knew exactly how much
money i was
carrying.
for example"
a five and two ones
in my wallet
and a nickel, a dime and
two pennies in my right
front pocket.

I had no desire to speak
to anybody nor to be
spoken to.

I was looked upon as a
misfit and a
freak.
I ate very little food but
i was amaingly
strong.
once, working in a factory
the young boys, the bruisers,
were trying to lift a heavy
piece of machinery from the
floor.
they all failed.

"hey, Hank, try it!" they
laughed.

I walked over, lifted it,
put it down,
went back to
work.

I gained their respect
for some reason
but i didnt want
it.

at times i would pull down
the shades in my room
and stay in bed for a
week or more.

I was on a strange journey
but it was
meaningless.
I had no ideas.
I had no plan.
I slept
I just slept
and waited.

I wasnt lonely.
I experienced no self-pity.
I was just caught up in a
life in which
i could find no
meaning.

then i was
a young man a
thousand years old.

and now i am an old man
waiting to be born.

Statistics