I didnt know where i cam from or where i was going. I was lost. I used to sit in strange doorways for hours, not thinking not moving until i was asked to move.
I dont mean that i was an idiot or a fool. what i mean is that i was unintersted
I didnt care if you intened to kill me. I wouldnt stop you.
I was living an existence that meant nothing to me.
I found places to stay. small rented rooms. bars. jails sleep and indifference seemed the only possibilities. all else seemed nonsense.
once i sat all night long and looked out at the mississippi river. I dont know why. the river ran by and all i remember is that it stank.
I always seemed to be on a cross-country bus traveling somewhere. looking out a dirty window at nothing at all.
I always knew exactly how much money i was carrying. for example" a five and two ones in my wallet and a nickel, a dime and two pennies in my right front pocket.
I had no desire to speak to anybody nor to be spoken to.
I was looked upon as a misfit and a freak. I ate very little food but i was amaingly strong. once, working in a factory the young boys, the bruisers, were trying to lift a heavy piece of machinery from the floor. they all failed.
"hey, Hank, try it!" they laughed.
I walked over, lifted it, put it down, went back to work.
I gained their respect for some reason but i didnt want it.
at times i would pull down the shades in my room and stay in bed for a week or more.
I was on a strange journey but it was meaningless. I had no ideas. I had no plan. I slept I just slept and waited.
I wasnt lonely. I experienced no self-pity. I was just caught up in a life in which i could find no meaning.